We hear it every year: “New Year, New Me!”

As the clock strikes midnight on December 31st, thousands and thousands of wishes and resolutions are thrown out. Promises made to ourselves with high hopes and great intentions. But within a few weeks’ time, we’ve abandoned our goals, and instead of feeling hopeful, we’re disappointed and disillusioned.

The danger of New Year’s resolutions

We set ourselves up with unrealistic expectations. We tend to get overzealous and set multiple goals for change in multiple areas of our lives. There was one year when I’m pretty sure I made 23 resolutions. At that point, attending to your resolutions becomes a full-time job.

New Year’s isn’t magic

I hate to break it to you, but there is nothing magical or mystical about the stroke of midnight on New Year’s Eve. When you wake up on January 1st, nothing has actually changed. It’s still you, with the same hopes, the same motivations, the same challenges, and the same barriers.

So…are resolutions bad?

Am I saying we shouldn’t make resolutions? No. We should. Change is absolutely possible, and the new year can be a great motivator. But if you want to actually stick with it, here are some ways to be more successful:

Make just one or two resolutions

That’s it. Think of your resolutions like a to-do list. When the list is huge, it becomes overwhelming, and often we don’t know where to start — so we don’t. And even if you do start, it’s easy to fall behind when there are too many things to keep up with.

Make the resolution BIG. Then break it down.

Part of why we fail is that we hold the standard in our minds as perfection. The moment we don’t meet that standard, we feel like we’ve failed. Failure leads to disillusionment, which leads to the belief that change isn’t possible. Then we give up.

Here’s an example:

Resolution: I’m going to be a better parent.

By 9:00 a.m. on January 1st, I’ve already yelled at my kids three times. Suddenly, change feels unattainable, and motivation drops.

Instead, break it down.

“I want to be a better parent” can become 12 steps. One for each month. Focus on just one step at a time, giving yourself an entire month to work on it. Change is gradual.

Month one: Spend five minutes a day in uninterrupted play with my kids.

That’s reasonable. That’s doable.

Start with the easiest step

Success breeds more success. Early wins help you believe in your ability to do more — and belief matters.

Expect failure, not perfection

If you mess up one day, don’t punish yourself. Change is gradual and never perfect. If your goal is to walk for 10 minutes a day and you miss Tuesday, don’t punish yourself by forcing 20 minutes on Wednesday. That quickly becomes unsustainable. Just go back to your original goal. Do the 10 minutes. Keep going.

Add a step, not a whole new resolution

Once you’re sustaining progress (doing it more days than not), then add the next step. Maybe that means increasing your goal — walking 15 minutes instead of 10. Or maybe it’s the next behavioral step — like taking a deep breath and walking away for a minute when you feel like yelling at your kids.

You’ve got this

Change is possible. It’s always possible. You’re just much more likely to succeed when you approach it this way.

If you’re finding that even with these steps it’s still hard to make progress, it may be time to seek some outside support. Things like depression, anxiety, ADHD, or trauma can absolutely affect your ability to move forward.

At Aspire Counseling, we’re here to help. If you live in New Jersey, feel free to reach out, and we’ll connect you with a therapist who can support you in meeting your goals.

Why “New Year, New You” Doesn’t Work