Men’s Mental Health Month: Why Is It So Hard for Men to Reach Out for Support?
June is Men’s Mental Health Month, a time dedicated to raising awareness about the unique mental health challenges men face and encouraging conversations that too often go unspoken.
As a therapist, I’ve had the opportunity to work with many men over the years. To help prepare for this article, I also spoke with several male therapists about their observations and experiences. While every person is different, there were several themes that came up again and again.
The reality is that many men struggle with stress, anxiety, depression, grief, relationship challenges, and burnout. Yet many men delay seeking help until stress, anxiety, depression, or relationship problems have become much more difficult to manage.
So why is it so hard to reach out? Here are some of the most common reasons we hear.
"I Should Be Able to Handle It Myself"
One of the most common themes we see is the belief that asking for help means failing to handle a problem independently. One of our therapists at Aspire Counseling spoke to us about his own personal experience in seeking counseling. Robert Hennessy, LAC, stated “I know it’s different for everyone and their life circumstances are unique in what brings them to therapy. For me it was about feeling like a burden or that I would be burdensome to others as opposed to just “fixing it” on my own.”
Many men have spent their lives being praised for being dependable, resilient, and capable. They are often the people others turn to during difficult times. While those qualities are strengths, they can sometimes create the belief that needing support is a sign of weakness. Hennessy went on to share, “So I just held it in and sometimes continue to hold back what I’m thinking so as not to upset or burden others…thereby making myself actually more uncomfortable.”
The truth is that seeking help is not a sign that you can’t handle life. It is a sign that you recognize when additional tools, perspective, or support could be beneficial. And by holding back on asking for help or receiving support, you actually deplete the resources you have to give to the others in your life. Receiving help does not make you a burden on others. Two things can be true at the same time- you can be a rock for someone else, while needing someone to be a rock for you.
"I’m not that bad."
Another common theme was comparison. Many men acknowledge they are struggling but quickly dismiss their own experiences because someone else appears to have it worse. Travis Crane, one of our graduate level intern counselors here at Aspire shared “I think one misconception is that if a man goes to therapy, something must be wrong with him or that he must be “crazy.”
Unfortunately, there is still some widespread stigma surrounding therapy; rather than it being looked as a resource for self-improvement and support, it’s still viewed by some as only for folks who “can’t handle” life.
We’ve heard men say things like, “At least I still have a job, I clearly don’t need that much help” Or “Other people are dealing with much bigger problems. I should be grateful for what I have.”
Gratitude is important. Perspective is important. But minimizing your own struggles does not make them disappear. Crane goes on to share “In my experience, I have actually seen the opposite be true. Seeking help shows emotional growth. Being able to recognize that you may need support is a very mature thing to realize. More often than not, the men who are willing to do that become healthier, more self-aware, and better equipped to support the people around them.
Pain is not a competition. You do not have to prove that your situation is the worst before you deserve support.
Fear of Being Judged
Many men worry about how they will be perceived if they admit they are struggling. Brian Radar, LPC, a therapist at Aspire Counseling stated that in his experience, the reason men do not seek counseling services centers around fear. “Fear of showing weakness, fear of exposure to perceived power dynamics between client and therapist, etc.”
Let’s set that fear straight right now- your therapist is not going to judge you. In fact, your therapist will likely view your seeking support as a strength. It’s a sign of emotional maturity, and a desire to better oneself, which is always commendable.
Other men worry about burdening family members or disappointing the people who depend on them. We’ve heard a version of “counseling is going to be too expensive, and I need that money for my kid’s braces,” so many times. Replace “braces” with anything that makes a man feel like he is choosing his needs over someone else in his family. And that is followed by a fear that their loved ones will judge their need for help, or see it as choosing to take care of their own needs rather than someone else’s.
Many have spent years learning to push through discomfort rather than talk about it. Unfortunately, this often leads people to suffer in silence while the stress continues to build. In reality, many of our male clients here at Aspire have shared that their wife, significant other, adult children, etc have been pleased and even pleasantly surprised that they have taken this step to get support.
Not Knowing What Therapy Actually Looks Like
Several therapists pointed out that many men have misconceptions about therapy. Some imagine sitting in a room talking about feelings for an hour while someone silently takes notes. (Or worse, laying on a couch, not even seeing the other human in the room). Others worry they will be pressured to discuss topics they are not ready to explore. In reality, therapy looks different for every person.
Many men find therapy helpful because it is practical. It can provide strategies for managing stress, improving communication, strengthening relationships, and developing healthier ways to cope with challenges.
Why Men Should Seek Counseling
Mental health affects every area of our lives. It affects our relationships, our physical health, our work performance. It affects how present we are with our spouses, children, friends, and family.
Seeking support is not about admitting defeat. And it does not mean you are less than or failing in any way. It is about investing in yourself and improving your quality of life.
You Don't Have to Be in Crisis to Benefit from Counseling
One of the biggest misconceptions about therapy is that you should only seek help when you’re in crisis. In reality, many men begin counseling simply because they want to improve communication, manage stress more effectively, become better partners or fathers, navigate career changes, or gain perspective during difficult seasons of life.
Just as you don’t wait until your car breaks down to change the oil, you don’t have to wait until life feels unmanageable before taking care of your mental health.
Taking the First Step
If you’ve been considering therapy, the first step does not have to be complicated. Start by identifying what has been weighing on you. Reach out to a therapist, your primary care physician, or a trusted professional.
Ask questions. Learn about your options. You do not need to have all the answers before you begin. And you are not locked in for life. If you try a therapist and you don’t feel like it’s a great fit, try someone else.
The hardest part is often taking the first step, but we’re here to make that part easy on you. If you are in New Jersey, reach out to Aspire Counseling today. We have real people on the phone who can answer your questions and get you connected to the right therapist for you. Don’t wait for tomorrow to make a change that matters today.