Grief Doesn’t Follow a Timeline
Grief has a way of showing up when you least expect it. You might have told yourself that you’ve already healed, that you’re okay now, that the sadness has passed. And then WHAM, it comes out of nowhere. You drive past the coffee shop you used to meet at. You get a whiff of her perfume walking past someone at ShopRite. You watch someone drumming on their steering wheel the way he always used to do.
Sometimes it hits hard, like a wave that comes out of nowhere and takes your breath away. Other times, it’s quieter. More like a heaviness that just sits with you, making even the smallest things feel harder than they should.
If you’re grieving right now, I want you to hear this: There is no “right” way to do this. And there is no timeline you’re supposed to follow.
After someone dies, we often put pressure on ourselves to “get through it,” as quickly as possible. Sometimes that pressure isn’t internal, but it comes from people around you. Your boss might be expecting you to have jumped right back into work like nothing happened. Your friends might have transitioned from texts like “hey, how are you holding up?” to “Are we all going out on Friday night??” It can feel like the people around you have all gone back to normal, and yet for you, the grief is as palpable and heavy as it was on day one.
There’s nothing wrong with that. Grief does not follow a timeline. We wish it did! It would be a lot easier to deal with. But that’s just not how it works. It can last for much, much longer than anticipated. Or it might come and go. In any case, you’re not doing it wrong. That’s just how grief works.
The Many Faces of Grief
A lot of people think grief is just sadness. And yes, sadness is part of it. But it’s often a lot more than that. Grief can look like:
- Irritability or snapping at people
- Feeling numb or disconnected
- Trouble focusing, racing thoughts, or making simple decisions
- Guilt (even when it doesn’t really make sense)
- Having a “good” day… and then feeling hit with it all over again
That last one really throws people off. You might feel okay one day, and then the next day feels impossible. Again, that doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong. That’s the nature of the grief beast.
You Don’t Have to “Move On”
One of the things I hear a lot is this idea that people should “move on.” And honestly, if you’ve lost someone, you know that is NOT how this works. In fact, we don’t even want it to work that way.
The idea of moving on from someone we love makes it feel like they are being forgotten. Or that they are no longer an important part of our life. “Moving on” is not the point of the grief process.
At Aspire, we use the term “Moving forward” instead. The healing process includes learning how to keep going while still carrying (and not forgetting) what you’ve lost.
That might mean:
- Talking about your person often
- Holding onto certain routines or memories
- Finding small ways to honor them
- Simply getting through the day without falling apart
The hope is that you can start integrating back into the parts of your life that you want (or need) to get back to, while still loving/thinking about/missing/honoring the person you lost. This is a process, not a “snap-your-fingers and it’s all back to normal” moment. Maybe one Friday you get that text from your friends and decide you’re feeling up to going out. Maybe the next Friday you decide to stay home. Or maybe you’re back to work, but it’s hard to stay focused. This whole experience can feel like a roller coaster, one that you’d like to get off. But it is normal.
A Few Ways to Support Yourself While Grieving
There’s no perfect way to handle grief. But there are small things that can help:
- Let yourself feel what’s coming up, without trying to fix it right away. If you need to cry, cry. If you need to yell, yell.
- Talk to someone you trust, even if it’s just a little bit at a time
- Find small ways to stay connected to who or what you’ve lost
- Let yourself have moments that feel okay or happy, and resist the temptation to feel guilty about it
- Take it one day at a time… or one hour at a time if that’s where you are
If You’re Feeling Stuck
The grieving process can sometimes feel like it’s not shifting at all. Like that roller coaster is stuck in one loop with no sign of stopping. That’s usually the point where a little more support can really help. Especially if you have tried some of the strategies we listed above and are still feeling like integrating back into your life seems impossible.
The goal of grief therapy is not about “fixing” grief or “getting over it.” Your therapist will help you navigate the complexities of the grieving process, and offer some guidance and suggestions to help you find ways back to integration in your life, while still honoring your lost loved one.
At Aspire Counseling, we work with individuals, teens, and families who are going through grief and loss. If you’re in New Jersey and feel like you could use some support, you can reach out to us at AspireCounseling.com. Grief can be one of the most isolating experiences, and it is easy to get lost in it. We are here to walk with you through it. Now you have someone you can talk to.